# Padma Jairam - Counselling Psychologist > Padma Jairam is a counselling psychologist and psychotherapist offering online and in-person counselling and therapy in Singapore. Speaks English, Malay, Tamil. Helping clients who struggle with trauma, personality disorders, couple's issues, sexual behaviours like fetishism and voyeurism, and other offending behaviours. Uses modalities like Behaviour Therapy, Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and Mentalized-Based Treatment (MBT), among others. Trained in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) with Dr Marsha Linehan, Gottmann Method Couples Therapy, and CBT in the treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Can provide ADHD assessments. - Brand: Padma Jairam - Counselling Psychologist, Padma Jairam --- # FAQ Source: https://padmajairam.com/faq/ # FAQ: What To Expect From Counselling Sessions With Me Here are some frequently-asked questions about my practice, about counselling psychology in general, and about what to expect from counselling. If you have a question that is not answered below, please contact me and let me know. ## What is the difference between you and a psychiatrist? - A psychiatrist is a medically trained professional who can prescribe medication for mental conditions. - What I do as a counselling psychologist is use talk therapy and other psychological approaches to support clients in managing their mental health concerns. ## How do I/we contact you for appointments? There are three main ways to contact me: - Through the[ client contact form](https://padmajairam.com/contact/) on my website. - By WhatsApp at [+65 9128 0002](https://wa.me/6591280002). - By email at [padma@padmajairam.com](mailto:padma@padmajairam.com). ## What happens after I/we contact you? - I will reply within 24 hours at the latest. - Even if I am on leave, you will receive an automatic acknowledgment (on Whatsapp) OR an email acknowledgement as soon as possible. - Once you have decided to proceed with the first session, we can decide on a date and time that is mutually convenient. - If the potential client is under 18 years of age, I will require the parent/guardian to submit a [consent form](https://padmajairam.com/intake-minors/) to allow me to begin counselling with the child/ward. - The appointment will be made in the Redwood Psychology booking system, and you will receive a confirmation of the appointment. - I will also send you my office address and simple directions to my office as well. These details are also available on my [website](https://padmajairam.com/directions/). ## Do I/we have to commit to a fixed number of sessions? Even after your first session, you can decide if and how you want to proceed. I believe that counselling should be empowering and that begins from the moment you reach out to me. ## Do you offer packages? No, because the client’s needs can change and evolve through the counselling process and in being consistent with the empowerment of clients, you can decide on the frequency and number of sessions, in consultation with me once I have a good idea of how I can support you. ## What happens if you cannot help with what I need, and we find this out after the first session? Your well-being is the most important concern. Please rest assured that I will refer you to a professional who is better equipped to support you in your journey. ## I do not know much about mental health professionals. Where can I get more information? The Straits Times recently carried a very informative [article](https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/mental-health-professionals-who-they-are-what-they-do-whom-you-should-approach) on the work we as mental health professionals do in Singapore. I hope this will help clarify your queries. --- # Home Source: https://padmajairam.com/ # You Deserve Help. I'm Here to Listen. ![Padma Jairam](https://padmajairam.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/padma-paul-headshot_cr-225x300.png)Padma Jairam, Counselling Psychologist in Singapore I believe we all need help at some point in our lives, and I would like to spend my life supporting others through their dark moments. As a counselling psychologist and psychotherapist in Singapore, I am grateful for having had the chance to be a helping professional in one way or another so far, and I look forward to the rest of my life spent in service to humanity. I am immensely grateful for the life experiences that have made me the helping professional I am today.  To me, therapy is a collaborative journey where I walk beside my clients, guiding them in making optimal choices in their lives and providing support when they face their darkest moments. I see clients at [Redwood Psychology](https://www.redwoodpsy.com/), located in High Street Centre. See the [Directions](https://padmajairam.com/directions/) page for detailed directions to the office. I am also available for online sessions so that you can speak to me from wherever you feel most comfortable and private. Besides **English**, I speak **Malay**, **Tamil**, and **Bahasa Indonesia**, and I can hold simple conversations in **Mandarin**. ## You Might Be Here Because... People seek therapy for many different reasons. You may recognise yourself in one of the areas below, or you may simply know that something does not feel right. Either way, you are welcome here. **Relationships, marriage, and family.** I work with couples and families navigating conflict, separation, divorce, infidelity, parenting struggles, and the challenges of raising teenagers. **Mood, anxiety, and stress.** Low mood, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, and the weight of ongoing stress can quietly take over a life. Together we can find ways to manage these so that you can return to living fully. **Trauma, dissociation, and a sense of self.** As a [Certified Trauma Support Specialist](https://credsverse.com/credentials/837bd571-78c6-4300-a013-aff739173f2e?preview=2), I support clients living with trauma and dissociation, as well as those struggling with borderline and narcissistic personality patterns, and those simply wishing to understand themselves more deeply. **Life transitions, expat life, and belonging.** I work with expats, expat families, and anyone navigating change across cultures, including the everyday work of cross-cultural communication. **Sexuality, intimacy, and identity.** Concerns around sexuality, intimacy, and LGBTQ+ matters are addressed here with openness and without judgment. **Compulsions, eating, and behavioural concerns.** Compulsions, behavioural addictions, grief and loss, and difficulties around eating and food can all be worked through, gently and at your pace. I also provide **ADHD screenings for adults**. ## Specialist Work: Trauma and Offending Behaviours I have a particular passion about helping clients who struggle with trauma, personality disorders, sexual behaviours like fetishism and voyeurism, and any other offending behaviours. This work calls for a therapist who can offer steadiness rather than judgment. If this is the help you or someone you care about is seeking, please reach out to me in complete confidence. ## My Approach to Therapy [![](https://padmajairam.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/06/837bd571-78c6-4300-a013-aff739173f2e-300x300.png)](https://credsverse.com/credentials/837bd571-78c6-4300-a013-aff739173f2e?preview=2) I use various modalities like [Behaviour Therapy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behaviour_therapy), [Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy), and [Mentalized-Based Treatment (MBT)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentalization-based_treatment) in my work, depending on what best suits my client's needs. Amongst the various trainings I have received are [Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy) with Dr Marsha Linehan, Gottmann Method Couples Therapy for work with couples, and CBT in the treatment of [Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder). I can provide ADHD screenings for adults as well. I am a [Registered Psychologist with the Singapore Psychological Society](https://singaporepsychologicalsociety.org/member-details/?member_id=262552) and a Registered Counsellor with the Singapore Association for Counselling. I am also a [Certified Trauma Support Specialist](https://credsverse.com/credentials/837bd571-78c6-4300-a013-aff739173f2e?preview=2) with the Trauma Institute International. If you'd like to know more about what a counselling psychologist does and what to expect from counselling sessions with me, please read the [Frequently-Asked Questions (FAQ)](https://padmajairam.com/faq/) page. If your questions are still not answered, please feel free to [contact me](https://padmajairam.com/contact/). If you ever feel that your problem is too minor compared to someone else's, please know that there is no comparison. We all have problems, and what matters to me as a therapist is that the problem bothers you. Whatever it is that is troubling you needs to be managed so that you can get back to living your life to the fullest. For more information about my background and my practice as a counselling psychologist, please see my [About](https://padmajairam.com/about/) page. I also share [Thoughts](https://padmajairam.com/articles/) from time to time related to psychology, psychotherapy, and counselling. ## Client Concerns I Deal With - Marriage counselling - Couples counselling - Relationship counselling - Separation, divorce, infidelity and other relationship issues - Sexuality and sexual issues - LGBTQ matters - Borderline personality - Narcissistic personality - Trauma and dissociation - Family-related issues - Adult ADHD screening - Counselling for expats and expat families - Relocation and community integration concerns - Multi-cultural counselling - Cross-cultural communication - Teen issues - Parenting concerns - Offending behaviour - Mood Issues including depression, bipolar disorder - Anxiety, panic attacks - Stress-related struggles - Compulsions and behavioural addictions - Grief and loss - Managing aggression and violent tendencies - Living with illness and disability - Eating and food Issues - Mindfulness and self-awareness ## Office Location Redwood Psychology is located in the High Street Centre. See the [Directions](https://padmajairam.com/directions/) page for detailed directions to the office.      --- # About Source: https://padmajairam.com/about/ ![](https://padmajairam.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/IMG_20191223_161921_short_crop-scaled-1-1024x265.jpg) # About My Work I have a [diverse professional background](https://www.linkedin.com/in/padma-jairam/), with qualifications in the legal, educational, and psychological fields. After qualifying to practice law in Singapore, I pursued a teaching career with the [Ministry of Education (MOE)](https://www.moe.gov.sg/) that spanned almost a decade. I have taught students from all ages and all educational streams in Singapore, including students in the Normal (Technical) and Gifted Education Programme (GEP). Before I left MOE to pursue my Master's degree in Canada, I was the Head of English at a junior college. My passion for psychology was sparked by my desire to help my students find peace and fulfilment within themselves. This same desire continues in my work as a psychotherapist and in my approach to therapy. Among my skills, I am trained to provide psychological first aid in times of crisis, whatever the magnitude. I was blessed to have participated in several nationwide training exercises in Singapore and participate in national-level events which called for psychological first aid. I am also an award-winning educator at the [Singapore University of Social Sciences (SUSS)](https://www.suss.edu.sg/), where I have taught undergraduates for almost eight years and currently teach modules I developed for the Psychology programme. Previously, I was a lecturer and clinical supervisor for students in the [Counselling undergraduate programme](https://www.suss.edu.sg/programmes/detail/bachelor-of-counselling-bcou), for which I also developed several modules. My own journey for peace and fulfilment led me to three life-changing years in Vancouver, Canada. While earning a Master's degree in Counselling Psychology at Adler University, I worked with forensic patients at the [Coquitlam Forensic Psychiatric Hospital](http://www.bcmhsus.ca/our-services/court-referred-mental-health-assessment-treatment/forensic-psychiatric-hospital), war refugees, survival sex workers, and clients from the rich cultural tapestry of Vancouver. I have always believed in helping those who are marginalized. Hence, when I returned to Singapore, I began my career in psychology as a prison psychologist. I then worked at the [Institute of Mental Health (IMH)](https://www.imh.com.sg/), where I continued to help the prison population as well as forensic inpatients and people from all walks of life. As a Senior Psychologist at IMH, I developed a Pre-Release Programme for inmates with mental illness, facilitated several support groups at IMH for the inpatients as well as inmates at prison, and conducted various risk assessments in addition to providing tailor-made individual therapy sessions for all my clients. --- # Cookie Policy Source: https://padmajairam.com/cookie-policy/ # Cookie Policy Last updated: 15 October 2023 This Cookie Policy explains how Padma Jairam - Counselling Psychologist (“we”, “our”, or “us”) utilizes cookies and similar technologies to recognize you when you visit our website at [https://padmajairam.com/](https://padmajairam.com/) (the “Site”). It explains what these technologies are and why we use them, as well as your rights to control our use of them. ## 1. What are Cookies? Cookies are small data files that are placed on your computer or mobile device when you visit a website. They are used to make websites work, or work more efficiently, as well as to provide reporting information. ## 2. Why do we use Cookies? We use cookies for several reasons. Some cookies are required for technical reasons in order for our Site to operate, and we refer to these as “essential” or “strictly necessary” cookies. Other cookies enable us to track and target the interests of our users to enhance the experience on our Site. ## 3. Types of Cookies Used The following types of cookies may be used on our Site: **Essential Cookies:** These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our Site. **Performance Cookies:** These cookies are used to enhance the performance and functionality of our Site but are non-essential to their use. **Analytics and Customization Cookies:** These cookies collect information that is used to help us understand how our Site is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are. ## 4. How can you Control Cookies? Most browsers allow you to control cookies through their settings preferences. However, if you limit the ability of websites to set cookies, you may worsen your overall user experience. ## 5. Changes to this Cookie Policy We may update this Cookie Policy from time to time to reflect changes to the cookies we use or for other operational, legal, or regulatory reasons. ## 6. Contact Us For more information about the use of cookies on our Site and how to manage them, please contact us at: Padma Jairam - Counselling Psychologist Centennial Tower, Level 21 3, Temasek Avenue Singapore 039190 [padma@padmajairam.com](mailto:padma@padmajairam.com) [+65 9128 0002](tel:+65 9128 0002)   --- # Privacy Policy Source: https://padmajairam.com/privacy-policy-2/ # Privacy Policy Last updated: 15 October 2023 This Privacy Policy explains how Padma Jairam - Counselling Psychologist (“we”, “our”, or “us”) collects, uses, shares, and protects personal information obtained through [https://padmajairam.com/](https://padmajairam.com/) (the “Site”). Your privacy is of utmost importance to us, and we are committed to protecting your personal information in accordance with the Personal Data Protection Act 2012 of Singapore (the "PDPA"). ## 1. Collection of Personal Information We collect personal information that you voluntarily provide to us when you use our services, contact us, or interact with our Site. This may include, but is not limited to, your name, contact details, and any personal health information you choose to share with us. ## 2. Use of Personal Information We use your personal information for the purpose of providing counselling and psychological services and responding to inquiries. ## 3. Disclosure of Personal Information We will not share your personal information with any third parties EXCEPT in the following circumstances: a) where it is required by law; and/or b) where you have given express consent to share your information; and/or c) where necessary to provide our services. ## 4. Security of Personal Information We implement appropriate technical and organizational measures to protect your personal information against unauthorized access, disclosure, alteration, or destruction. ## 5. Access, Correction, and Deletion of Personal Information You have the right to request access to, correction of, or deletion of your personal information held by us, subject to certain exceptions as provided by law. ## 6. Cookies and Other Tracking Technologies We may use cookies and similar technologies on our Site to enhance user experience, analyze traffic, and for other purposes as described in our [Cookie Policy](https://padmajairam.com/cookie-policy/). ## 7. Changes to this Privacy Policy We may update this Privacy Policy from time to time to reflect changes in our practices or the law. Any updates will be posted on this page with a revised update date. ## 8. Contact Us If you have any questions or concerns about this Privacy Policy or our privacy practices, please contact us at: Padma Jairam - Counselling Psychologist Centennial Tower, Level 21 3, Temasek Avenue Singapore 039190 [padma@padmajairam.com](mailto:padma@padmajairam.com) [+65 9128 0002](tel:+65 9128 0002) --- # Contact Acknowledgment Source: https://padmajairam.com/contact-acknowledgment/ Thank you for contacting me. I will be in touch with you as soon as I receive and review your message. If you would like to know more about the concerns I deal with in my counselling psychology practice and the services I provide, please see my [Home](https://padmajairam.com/) page. For more details about my background and therapy practice, please see my [About](https://padmajairam.com/about/) page. For directions to my office, see my [Directions](https://padmajairam.com/directions/) page. Regards, Padma Jairam [Return to Main Page](https://padmajairam.com/) --- # Client Intake Source: https://padmajairam.com/intake/ # Client Intake Terms and Conditions ## Confidentiality Clause Our counselling sessions are confidential, and I will not discuss anything about you outside of this counselling office without your explicit agreement. The only exceptions to that rule, where I will have to break confidentiality are in these following circumstances: (a) if there is a genuine concern that you may harm yourself; and/or (b) if there is a genuine concern that you may harm others; and/or (c) if there is a genuine concern of abuse involving an elderly person, and/or children, and/or any vulnerable individual; and/or (d) if the court asks for the documents in relation to our sessions. Please rest assured that the notes of the sessions are maintained only by me and kept in a secure online system. The hand-written notes are duly destroyed once the information has been transferred to the online records system. All your personal data are also stored in a secure online system. ## Cancellation Policy All appointment bookings will be managed by me. Should you need to reschedule the appointment, please do not hesitate to contact me to do so. If you need to cancel the appointment, please let me know at least 24 hours before the appointment. **Please understand that you will be charged fully for the session if you cancel the session less than 24 hours before the scheduled time or you do not show up for the appointment.** This is to account for the time that was set aside for you. ## Payment Policy for Bookings Under 24 Hours If you confirm an appointment within the 24-hour window, an advance payment is required for the session. This is to account for any cancellations made on the time set aside for you to meet your urgent needs. For example, if the appointment is scheduled for 11am on 2 Jan and it is confirmed after 11am on 1 Jan, the client will be required to pay for the session at the time of confirmation. ## Contact Details My contact details are as follows: Mobile: [+65 9128 0002](tel:+6591280002) Email: [padma@padmajairam.com](mailto:padma@padmajairam.com) My office address is as follows: Centennial Tower, Level 21 3, Temasek Avenue Singapore 039190 [wpforms description="true"] --- # Client Intake Form for Minors Source: https://padmajairam.com/intake-minors/ # Client Intake Terms and Conditions for Minors ## Confidentiality Clause Dear Parents/Guardians, Thank you for entrusting me to help your child/ward. This form is to inform you of the nature of the counselling relationship with the client given that the client is a minor. In ticking the box at the bottom of this form, you consent for me to engage your child/ward in counselling sessions. The counselling sessions are confidential, and although the client is a minor, I will still seek their express consent before sharing any details about the session(s). This is because I still owe my client the assurance of confidentiality so that they can be reassured of a comfortable and safe counselling relationship. Having said that, please rest assured that in circumstances where I deem it to be important that I share details of the session(s) with you, I will do so after informing the client. Examples of such circumstances could be: (a) where there is a genuine concern that the client will harm themselves; and/or (b) where there is a genuine concern that the client will harm someone else; and/or (c) where there is a genuine concern of abuse involving the client. The nature of this confidential relationship as applied specifically to a client who is a minor, will be explained in detail, to the client, i.e. your child/ward. Please rest assured that the notes of the sessions are maintained only by me and kept in a secure online system. The hand-written notes are duly destroyed once the information has been transferred to the online records system. All your personal data are also stored in a secure online system. ## Cancellation Policy All appointment bookings will be managed by me. Should you need to reschedule the appointment, please do not hesitate to contact me to do so. If you need to cancel the appointment, please let me know at least 24 hours before the appointment. **Please understand that you will be charged fully for the session if you cancel the session less than 24 hours before the scheduled time or you do not show up for the appointment.** This is to account for the time that was set aside for you. ## Payment Policy for Bookings Under 24 Hours If you confirm an appointment within the 24-hour window, an advance payment is required for the session. This is to account for any cancellations made on the time set aside for you to meet your urgent needs. For example, if the appointment is scheduled for 11am on 2 Jan and it is confirmed after 11am on 1 Jan, the client will be required to pay for the session at the time of confirmation. ## Contact Details My contact details are as follows: Mobile: [+65 9128 0002](tel:+6591280002) Email: [padma@padmajairam.com](mailto:padma@padmajairam.com) My office address is as follows: Centennial Tower, Level 21 3, Temasek Avenue Singapore 039190 [wpforms description="true"] --- # Directions Source: https://padmajairam.com/directions/ # Office Location The Redwood Psychology office is at High Street Centre. High Street Centre 1 North Bridge Road #06-11 Singapore 179094 ## Getting To the Office ### Option A: From Clarke Quay (NE5 on North-East PURPLE Line) - Please take Exit E at Clarke Quay Station. That will bring you to Eu Tong Sen Street. - Cross Eu Tong Sen Street using the pedestrian bridge attached to Clarke Quay Central or the road cross lanes. - Walk northeast along New Bridge Road and cross over the Singapore River using Coleman Bridge. - Pass by North Boat Quay Road, and then you will see High Street Centre to your immediate right. - You can enter High Street Centre using the southern entrance along North Quay Road. ### Option B: From City Hall interchange (EW13 on East-West GREEN Line / NS25 on North-South RED Line) - Stay within the MRT station. Turn left immediately after the Station Control and turn left again – look for “CAPITOL PIAZZA” and walk towards that. - You will see a path on your right. Follow that and it will lead you to Capitol Piazza. - Walk straight until you see Nalan’s restaurant on your right and turn left to head to FUNAN. - Walk through Funan Mall and take the escalator to Level 1. - Exit the mall to the main road (you should see The Adelphi in front of you). - Turn right and walk straight. - You will pass a short building with Starbucks. - Pass that building and you are at HIGH STREET CENTRE    --- # Thoughts Source: https://padmajairam.com/articles/ # Thoughts Here are my latest articles on counselling, psychotherapy, and life coaching. --- # Contact me Source: https://padmajairam.com/contact/ # Initial Consultation Request To request a brief, no-cost and no-obligation phone consultation with me to discuss the issues you are facing and whether I might be able to help, please contact me via email at [padma@padmajairam.com](mailto:padma@padmajairam.com), by phone at [+65 9128 0002](tel:+6591280002), or via [WhatsApp](https://wa.me/6591280002).  ## For More Information If you would like to know more about the concerns I deal with in my counselling psychology practice and the services I provide, please see my [Home](https://padmajairam.com/) page. For more details about my background and therapy practice, please see my [About](https://padmajairam.com/about/) page. For directions to my office, see my [Directions](https://padmajairam.com/directions/) page. Other questions are answered on the [Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)](https://padmajairam.com/faq/) page. --- # Being a Human(istic) Counselling Psychologist Source: https://padmajairam.com/being-a-humanistic-counselling-psychologist/ ![](https://padmajairam.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/kairoura-crop-short-scaled-1-1024x264.jpg) # Being a Human(istic) Counselling Psychologist Hello :) I hope that you are doing as best as you possibly can, given these trying times. Thank you for taking the time to get to know me through my website. If you have read [about me](/about), then you already know all about my diverse background. More of that in just a bit. I am hoping to initially connect with you here (until if and when you decide to connect in person) where I will share my professional (and personal) insights and reflections through my experiences working with my clients. So please keep a lookout for these thoughts! I was thinking about a suitable first 'conversation' topic, so to speak, and it made sense to start at the very beginning. What forms the core of my professional self? And in a lot of ways, the answer to that question also answers the question of what the core of my personal self is. I believe that any helping professional probably does their most optimal work when their personal and professional selves are congruent. That certainly rings true for me. So, back to the question then, about my professional core. I suppose the answer was always obvious but it really became crystallized for me when I recall something I say very often, to all the undergraduates I teach. That the Rogerian approach (also known as [Carl Rogers' Person-Centred theory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person-centered_therapy)) is not just a theory but really the heart of counselling. The Rogerian theory is part of the humanistic approach in psychology, which celebrates the uniqueness of every person and seeks to understand the person as a whole being. There are three core conditions of the Rogerian approach - (1) the counsellor's congruence with the client, (2) unconditional positive regard for the client, and (3) empathy towards the client. All these conditions are what I hope to consistently embody as a professional. So here is where we revisit my diverse background. Anytime I tell someone my counselling psychologist journey, I am humbled, not so much by my accomplishments in terms of the diverse education I received, but by the myriad opportunities that I was fortunate to experience. Over the years, several clients have told me how intimidated they felt when considering seeing a counsellor because they feared being judged by someone who "seemed so perfect". I often reflect on why I wanted to become a counselling psychologist. It is not because I am perfect (far from it). And we are all works in progress and that is something to be embraced because knowing we always have another chance to grow, and evolve until our final breath, is something I feel immensely grateful for. I became a counselling psychologist because when I faced my darkest moments, I acknowledged them and learned how to heal from these setbacks. In other words, I want to be a helping professional precisely because I am as human as my clients and I aspire to help others heal and more importantly, make them feel that they are never alone in their time of need. Along the way, I met individuals who demonstrated empathy and unconditional acceptance of who I was so that I could grow to become the person I am today. I feel that it is my calling to pay this forward, to help others the way I was helped. It takes great courage to admit that we need help and to seek the help we need from a total stranger. If that is how you chanced upon my website, thank you for taking the time to consider me as your guide on your life's journey at this point. --- # Is There A Right Time to Seek Counselling? Source: https://padmajairam.com/right-time-to-seek-counselling/ ![](https://padmajairam.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/temple-crop-short-scaled-1-1024x264.jpg) # Is There A Right Time to Seek Counselling? When we feel ill, we decide to see a doctor and get medication. Most would not argue with that logic and in fact, in these pandemic times, we really should adhere to this simple logic, to keep not just ourselves safe, but everyone else safe as well. However, not everyone applies that same logic when it comes to seeking counselling. Too often have I had a client who would tell me, "You are my last resort. You have to help me figure this out now." How did I become the "last resort"? Sometimes, it becomes apparent that I am the "last resort", not because my clients have gotten weary from trying to seek help from other mental health professionals, but because they hope to wait out the problem since it does not feel too bad all the time or, perhaps more optimistically, they simply wait for the problem to go away. Why are people more willing to seek almost immediate medical attention for an upset tummy but tend to hesitate when their heart and/or mind does not feel too well? Perhaps it is our perception of requiring medical attention because we can feel the physical pain or see the physical symptoms of the physiological condition. Oddly enough, symptoms of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or psychosis can be seen and felt (at least by the person experiencing it) but this does not always cause the person to seek immediate help from a mental health professional. Why is that? Perhaps it is our culture where some believe that mental health issues are not due to anything else but a lack of religious faith or a manifestation of a weak spirit which simply needs to "suck it up". Whatever the reason(s) may be, at least in Singapore, it is only recently that mental health issues have become more openly discussed and more people are willing to seek counselling to address their psychological and/or emotional concerns. As much as the pandemic has brought about much hardship and suffering around the world, it has also (finally) highlighted the need for us to pay attention to mental health. So why did it take a pandemic for us to get to this realization? I think it could be because often times, when someone is feeling very distressed or extremely anxious, there is a tendency to dismiss it. We may hope that this will go away in time but at times, it does not and in fact it may get worse. By that time, it usually feels "desperate" for the clients. Usually that is manifested by ultimatums given by family members, intimate partners or the very real risk of losing a job or being expelled from school. And this is the point they usually come knocking on my door. Unlike medical issues, seeking immediate help for mental health issues is a delicate balance between being overly paranoid about 'having mental problems' and waiting too long before it becomes too big a problem. I like to use the example of a can of carbonated soda to perhaps illustrate finding this balance of when we should seek counselling. Life events will shake us up and like the carbonated soda, pressure builds up for us due to adverse life events like divorce, death, or a pandemic. At times, life has a way of showing us that we may need a little extra help in coping with some of these curveballs in life. When we ignore these "signals", the pressure continues to build and will eventually need to be released. Waiting for this "release" or even close to this point of release may not be optimal when it comes to seeking counselling. In other words, you do not have to wait until you have every single symptom of the mental condition. And this does not mean that every counselling relationship will last for months or years either. Just as we are taught that prevention is better than cure for medical issues, the same applies to mental health as well. The sooner we seek help, the earlier the counsellor may be able to help the client manage the issues that arise. Having said that, I do not mean to belittle or minimize the challenges we all face in seeking help. I believe that it takes tremendous courage to seek help from a total stranger. And this can be especially difficult if the person is struggling with trauma or very complex emotional struggles. All I am saying is that where possible, I hope we all can seek help for our mental health issues before our "soda cans" burst from all the pressure built within. --- # It Is Okay to be “Just Okay” Source: https://padmajairam.com/it-is-okay-to-be-just-okay/ ![](https://padmajairam.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/it-is-okay-to-be-just-okay.jpg) # It Is Okay to be "Just Okay" A few years ago, I lived in Vancouver for my graduate studies. One of the first things that hit me was how friendly people were. Whether it was the barista at Tim Horton, or the cashier at London Drugs (a Canadian retail pharmacy chain), or just a random stranger who was in the elevator with me, anyone would start a conversation with a warm smile and a “How are you?”. After the first month of these encounters, I figured this was something I could really get used to. However, when I was gushing about the "Canadian warmth" to another Asian friend who had recently moved to Vancouver, she stated how stressful it was to reply to that question. “I am not always fine, and I don’t want to say I am. Besides, they are just strangers. Do they really mean the question when they ask it?” Fair point! I discussed this with some Canadian friends, and their collective response was enlightening. “There is no right or wrong answer. We ask because that is our way of acknowledging the other person, and you say whatever you want to. If your day is going ‘just okay’, then say, 'I’m okay, thank you.'” That was such a simple answer, and it made perfect sense. It also led me to ask another, more pertinent question for me, as a mental health professional: When did it become *not* okay to be “just okay”? While this question has always been on my mind, this time I wanted to pen my thoughts down, because walking around Orchard Road on a mid-December weekend reminded me of why I even started thinking about this. Every mall was crowded. Gift-giving means gift-buying, and school holidays meant parents with excited children everywhere. At Gardens by the Bay, smiling faces were gazing up in awe at the colourful Christmas light installations. It was such a celebratory mood. Why shouldn’t it be? After all, it *is* the end of the year. It is also the festive season, and after 2 years of struggling with COVID-19, a war in Ukraine and some all-around, challenging past few years, why not? Why can’t we be happy? Why shouldn’t businesses pull out all the stops to make up for lost revenue the past few years? As it is often the case, there is no right or wrong answer to any of these questions. Perhaps it is more helpful to think of it as giving ourselves permission to be wherever our internal gauge says we are. For better or worse, through the COVID-19 experience, we now speak more freely about “being not okay,” and that is something I am grateful for, as a person and as a mental health professional. So, why can’t we give ourselves permission to also be “just okay” sometimes, especially during the festive season? While this can be a festive season for one person, it can be a painful reminder of a personal loss for another, and both of them can and should be allowed to feel however they may feel at any given time, festive season or not. While we all want to learn to manage our emotions, so that our emotional expressions do not create awkward situations for us, sometimes that level of management may not come easily. If the latter is the case, I think we can allow ourselves to sit with those emotions for just a tad bit. Where possible, if we get some privacy during these moments, that would be ideal. If it is not possible, we still do not have to ignore the emotions, or worse, repress them altogether. We can acknowledge the emotions and try to find the calm to get through that point in time until we have some privacy to revisit that experience. Acknowledging does not have to mean that the emotions knock us down and destabilize us. The point is to let them wash over us rather than stay stuck inside. In suggesting the above, I am not saying that someone who may be feeling very depressed should be allowed to stay in that dark space without being checked on. I am merely suggesting that sometimes, it may not be a bad thing to just allow ourselves to feel some sadness, or any other uncomfortable emotion, and more importantly, to learn to have the discomfort pass through us, rather than stay within us. Something that might help letting that discomfort "pass through" is reframing the situation with gratitude. That is not to say that we cannot be unhappy or feel sad because something is wrong in our lives. What I am suggesting is that we spend an equal amount of time to also remember what is right in our lives, because this dark moment too shall pass. Change will come, and even if it may not come in the way we hope for it to, I hope you will find it in your heart to hold on to the hope that you will feel better. For now, though, it’s okay if you’re feeling "just okay." --- # The BPD Person or the Person with BPD? Source: https://padmajairam.com/the-bpd-person-or-the-person-with-bpd/ ![](https://padmajairam.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/island-crop-short-scaled-1-1024x265.jpg) # The BPD Person or the Person with BPD? Much has been written about the [Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237). BPD is also frequently portrayed in popular media. For those of us old enough to recall the 1987 thriller [Fatal Attraction](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093010/), it is hard to forget [Alex Forrest](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2882283/), the character that was, among other things, struggling with BPD. Glenn Close's powerful portrayal of this character probably had quite a few men (and women) hoping they don't know anyone like that. Oscar-worthy performance aside, the character of Alex Forrest, while perhaps meant to be terrifying to viewers on some level, was someone genuinely struggling with emotion dysregulation and a somewhat unstable and fractured sense of self. Having said that, in recent times, while there may be more open discussions on mental health and mental illness, pop culture has also seen glamourizations of such mental conditions, not least of all, of personality disorders like BPD. Regardless of whether this was the intended effect, the messaging can be confusing, especially for those who are impressionable. As I was drafting this particular piece, I figured that because so much has been written (and will continue to be written) about BPD, because as a subject of study it is fascinating, I figured I will take a slightly different spin on the discussion of BPD. From the perspective of those with BPD or BPD traits (the latter refers to a person who displays some of the traits of the personality disorder), their fear of being abandoned is very real and very urgent, especially when they get into an intimate relationship. The fear of being abandoned by an intimate partner can ironically lead to the end of the relationship, because in trying to manage the fear, the person with BPD tends to cling to the partner and bombard them with demands of reassurance of their love and commitment to the person with BPD. As one can imagine, these demands become extremely draining for the partner, and over time the end of the relationship is inevitable. Sadly, the person with BPD then starts to believe that intimate partners will indeed abandon them and that therefore, they have good reason to insist on their assurance-seeking behaviours. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately, when such events transpire, the person with BPD is often unable to tolerate the distress and becomes very emotionally dysregulated. Self-harm may become their coping mechanism. What I have described above is one scenario that is rather common amongst those who struggle with BPD and their loved ones. This is also usually the scenario that brings them to my clinic. Over the years of being a therapist for my clients with BPD, one thing that always stood out for me was the response my clients had when they were diagnosed with BPD (and this can be self-diagnosis at times given the amount of information and questionnaires readily available online). For some, this was something to be ashamed of, something that they felt made them "abnormal". There were others who wore the diagnosis proudly and felt that this was what made them unique. As you can see, both responses are arguably two sides of the same coin. Whatever it is, what is interesting to me is how readily my clients started to identify themselves as BPD. I have had some clients who walked in for their first session with me, smiled and said, "So, I am BPD...." There is nothing wrong with that. Well, unless this identification is harming the client. And I do think that is the case with these clients who start to feel that they a*re* BPD, rather than they *have* BPD. A subtle but pivotal difference. You can argue that this is a case of semantics. As a counselling psychologist, I would argue that how we speak about something affects how we think about it and what we do about it. Whatever treatment modality a mental healthcare professional chooses to use in providing therapy for someone with BPD, I think one of the most effective techniques is establishing boundaries. Those who struggle with BPD may come across as being over-friendly with people, and this may sometimes border on inappropriate behaviour. They may also communicate with their family and/or friends in ways that may seem disrespectful of the other person's personal space, i.e. that person's boundaries. Incessant WhatsApp messaging in the middle of the night or asking overly personal questions in social or professional situations are examples of the difficulty in maintaining boundaries. When family and/or friends of those who struggle with BPD come to me, exhausted and at their wits' end about managing the constant need for reassurance from the person with BPD, my suggestion is always to establish and maintain compassionate boundaries. I like to use the analogy of a cushioned fence as a boundary. When we maintain a boundary by saying something like, "I am sorry you feel unloved, but I do care for you, and I do not want to keep talking about this same issue", this is not an electric fence that is meant to burn the person who tries to get "in" to our personal space. Each time we maintain the boundary by calmly and firmly telling the person that the behaviour they are displaying is being triggered by the BPD and not what they would usually do, that is a cushion which helps them bounce off without getting hurt. Over time, they learn that this is a boundary that cannot be crossed at will and that they will retain the partner's or friend's love by respecting the boundary rather than pushing it. This, in turn, also helps the person struggling with BPD to learn to establish boundaries for themselves. The lack of boundaries for themselves can be a reason for their fractured identity which usually does indicate a fragile self-esteem, and thus, a difficulty in practicing self-respect. Perhaps equally importantly, the boundary is also a way I separate the condition from the person and therefore encourage the person with BPD to manage the condition rather than be managed by the condition. This again helps in nurturing a healthy self-esteem and a stable sense of identity. An identity which represents the whole person and not just one aspect which is the BPD. In closing, I want to take this opportunity to dedicate this piece of writing to all my clients who have struggled (and are still struggling) with BPD and who are slowly, but surely, learning to manage it. You have truly taught me how to see BPD and to constantly find ways to help you and those like you, embrace their true selves. I will always be grateful to all of you for that invaluable lesson. And I hope you know that I always believe in you. --- # “Misteri Minda” on Mediacorp Suria Source: https://padmajairam.com/misteri-minda-on-mediacorp-suria/ # "Misteri Minda" on Mediacorp Suria In July, I was given a wonderful opportunity to be part of a meaningful venture taken on by The Media Pte Ltd for [Mediacorp's](https://www.mediacorp.sg/en) [Suria](https://www.mewatch.sg/channels/suria/97084) channel. They produced a docu-drama series titled [“Misteri Minda” (Mysteries of the Mind)](https://www.mewatch.sg/season/Misteri-Minda-258156) which aims to educate viewers about various mental illness conditions. The series was recently aired on Suria and on the [meWATCH](https://www.mewatch.sg/) platform. I had a chance to contribute to this episode on Stress and Gen-Z. A big thank you to the creator of the series, Mr Mohd Ali for making me comfortable throughout the filming process, producer Nur Imani for inviting me to be part of the show, and to the rest of The Media film crew who made me feel very welcome at their studio. --- # Tatler Asia Article on Dealing With the Festive Season Source: https://padmajairam.com/tatler-asia-article-on-dealing-with-the-festive-season/ # Tatler Asia Article on Dealing With the Festive Season Festive seasons can be very stressful for some, and one should not feel pressured to be festive. I was asked to share some tips on how to cope with friends, family, and social situations during festive seasons in this Tatler Asia article entitled [Tips on Dealing With Family, Loneliness and Setting Boundaries During the Season](https://www.tatlerasia.com/style/wellness/how-to-cope-family-loneliness-seasonal-depression-holiday-season-therapists-advice) written by [Camillia Dass](https://www.tatlerasia.com/authors/camillia-dass) . I hope you find it helpful. --- # SUSS Mental Health Podcast Source: https://padmajairam.com/suss-mental-health-podcast/ # SUSS Mental Health Podcast I recently took part in a two-part podcast discussing Mental Health at Work with [Dr. Emily Ortega](https://www.suss.edu.sg/about-suss/faculty-and-staff/detail/dr-emily-ortega) (Head of Psychology Programmes at [SUSS School of Humanities and Behavioural Sciences](https://www.suss.edu.sg/about-suss/schools/shbs)) and [Debra Lum](https://www.linkedin.com/in/debralammunting/) (Co-Founder, [Society Staples](https://www.societystaples.com.sg/)). You may listen to the episodes below or at the [SUSS Podcasts Site](https://www.suss.edu.sg/podcast). --- Generated from RankReady